So I said 'yes' does that make me a people pleaser?

When I ask a client if they see themself as a people pleaser,  I usually get a resounding NO! Nobody wants to admit they are a people pleaser and it's clear that this behavior is seen as negative. Here's an example: 

Angela is a 33 year-old, graphic designer. She is hard-working, a team player, and a skilled designer. She is dependable and caring to her colleagues at work as well as friends and family. She is usually busy helping others and prides herself on being there for others. Recently, she noticed a growing sense of dissatisfaction and feeling emptiness after spending time with her friends or family.

In the therapy process, Angela talks about how her friends, family, and co-workers aren’t there for her like she is for them. She begins to admit to herself that she feels unappreciated and alone. Finally, she is surprised to discover anger and resentment.

Angela is a people-pleaser. She goes out of her way to be helpful. She says “yes” so people will like her and focuses on things she can do to gain approval and avoid disappointing anyone.

In the safety of the therapeutic relationship, she is able to see the truth about feeling empty and alone despite having many friends and family: they lack genuine caring and depth of connection. Over time, resentment has built up around feeling unappreciated, and even, used. And now, Angela is tense in her interactions with friends and family, which amplifies the sense of disconnection. 

Angela learned to become a people pleaser when she was a little girl. She learned by being useful and meeting others expectations, she received attention, approval, and love. She was dutiful in helping their parents with household chores and errands, performing tasks in the classroom to aid their teachers, and eagerly agreed to do her friends’ homework. Not only that, approval, acceptance, and love were actively withheld if she did not meet expectations or tried to ask for something for herself. Angela started believing she was not lovable or good enough just as she was and her needs were not important as long as others were happy. 

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